my roommate was sad that i can’t come over to our friend’s apartment to help her unpack and i’m sad too because i havent even gotten the chance to see it i’ve been too busy
but then i just. i’m going to school - no matter how minimally - and i’m putting myself through it alone. i work part time pushing 20 or 25 hours each week. i’m going through driving school and will hopefully be getting my license in the next few weeks. scheduling all of this is stressful. managing my money is stressful in the face of losing it much faster than i’m gaining it. i have basically no help at all doing any of this.my future insurance will be on me. the car is coming entirely out of my own pocket. my financial aid is a joke and i have no other monetary help for school beyond that. adulthood is slapping me in the face left and right and i’m tired and wish i had help and wish i knew what i was doing
but i can feel all of this shit making me more resolved. i can feel my distaste for my job grating at me, but my persistence in staying there until something better shows itself makes me proud. i can feel my stomach twist when i think about taking out loans but the fact that everyone takes out loans and i’m doing this alone and by myself i’m making my own way in school and that comforts me. i can feel myself getting stressed out about managing my time and my future car and insurance and credit card and all of that it’s really upsetting but it’s going to give me a lot of freedom and doors will open up and i’m doing! this! alone! a lot of people my age still have some help with something or other but the only thing i have help with is my phone. otherwise it’s all on me. i don’t have any help. granted, i live with my roommate and her mom rent-free, thank god. but everything else,i’m alone.
and it’s making me a tiny bit bitter but i can feel myself trading that off for humility and gratitude. these struggles and stresses are making me smarter with money. i’m getting hardier and hardier and i’m growing up very quickly. it isn’t fair but i’m accepting this more and more. i’m crying and sad and stressed but i know it’s making me a better person.
so even if i don;t have time for my friends, or i’m stressed and sad, or if loans scare me, i’m doing this all alone and i’m fucking proud of that.
If Mary wasn’t one of the snipers at the pool I will resent the writers for this missed opportunity for ever